Grandparents play a pivotal role in the lives of families experiencing divorce. While their contributions are often profound, they remain invisible in legal proceedings, their impact largely unrecognised by many in society. 

A 2007 study by Debbie S. L. Ong and Stella R. Quah, “Grandparenting in Divorced Families”, examined four real-life cases (names of the individuals have been changed for privacy reasons), comparing the experiences of divorced individuals who received support from their parents with those who did not. Published in the Singapore Journal of Legal Studies, the contrast highlights grandparents’ valuable role in providing stability and care post-divorce.

Grandparents Can Cushion the Impact of Divorce

Ela, 41, and Jessy, 32, both Chinese women, benefited significantly from their parents’ support after their divorces. Ela, abandoned after ten years of marriage, never moved back in with her parents but lived close enough to receive their constant care. Her mother provided childcare, housekeeping, and meals, ensuring a stable home environment. Though her parents disapproved of the divorce, they never distanced themselves from Ela or her children, instead offering unconditional support. 

Similarly, Jessy initially moved in with her parents after her divorce but later relocated to a nearby rented home due to space constraints. Despite this, her parents remained a strong pillar of support, providing childcare, frequent family dinners, and a loving presence. Her father, typically reserved, became more engaged with her son, demonstrating affection through actions rather than words. Ela and Jessy found solace in their parents’ care, enabling them to regain stability and provide a nurturing environment for their children. 

Ela and Jessy grew up with traditional Chinese family values. These values emphasised strong familial ties, though direct emotional expressions were rare. Still, their parents’ actions spoke volumes. Whether it was cooking meals, babysitting, or simply being a comforting presence, their support gave both women the ability to focus on rebuilding their lives while ensuring their children were well cared for. Their parents’ efforts fostered a sense of normalcy and consistency amidst the upheaval of divorce. 

Both Ela and Jessy were asked whom they thought were the best three people they trusted to look after their children if they needed help. Both named their mothers as the “best.” Ela said, “My mother prepares our food. She is the best. She knows how to help us, and she loves the children.” Her siblings ranked second, while her father was “a last resort” because he did not like to interact much. 

On the other hand, Jessy’s father ranked second in her mind: “My mother is the best but I am afraid the problem is she spoils my son. She doesn’t punish him when he is naughty. She lets him do whatever he wants. My father loves my son and they talk a lot. My son loves him too. But, like my mother, my father spoils him too.” In third place was her eldest single sister, who “loves [her] son but she would discipline him if he doesn’t behave well.” 

Absence of Grandparental Support Can be Difficult

In stark contrast, Ann, a 53-year-old Chinese woman, and Nadah, a 43-year-old Indian man, faced immense challenges due to the absence of parental support.  

Ann endured domestic violence throughout her marriage and shared how in those darkest times of her marriage to divorce she became unconsolable to the point her daughter had to console her. Yet her well-off parents refused to assist her, having disapproved of her marriage from the start. Their indifference extended to her daughter, whom they “hate” (in the words of both Ann and her daughter) due to her resemblance to her father. Ann’s daughter expressed her hurt during the interview after feeling the indifference. Left without family support, Ann sought external help and found refuge in a temporary shelter and later moved into an empty office space where she currently resides. She struggled to provide for her daughter, relying on short-term jobs and external aid. The lack of grandparental involvement exacerbated her hardships, depriving her daughter of a stable family structure. 

Ann’s case highlights how family estrangement can intensify the difficulties faced by divorced parents. Without the financial and emotional cushion that grandparents often provide, single parents like Ann must navigate life’s challenges alone. Her daughter, Cecil, not only suffered the loss of a father figure but also lacked the love and security her grandparents provided. Thus, Ann had to shoulder all the responsibilities herself.  

Nadah’s situation was similarly difficult. His parents had both passed away—his mother shortly after he served a prison sentence, and his father years prior. With no family support, he became the sole caregiver for his daughter while working as a truck driver. His in-laws had also passed, and his siblings offered no assistance. To manage, he paid his neighbor for childcare, but he longed for the nurturing presence that grandparents could have provided. His struggles underscore the immense burden single parents face when left to navigate divorce alone. 

Beyond the financial constraints, Nadah also struggled emotionally. He expressed a strong desire for his daughter to have the care and presence of a motherly figure but found himself torn due to the strained relationship with his ex-wife. In his words, “This is a girl. Girls need the mother to take care of them. I am the father. I am good to bring the money only. I don’t know how to take care of her. But I have to care for her. Her mother is not good. She left us.” The absence of his parents and lack of support from his siblings meant that even basic parental advice was unavailable to him. This further deepened his sense of isolation, making single parenthood even more challenging.

The Critical Role of Grandparents

The contrasting experiences of these four individuals reveal the vital role grandparents play in divorce situations. For Ela and Jessy, their parents provided emotional and practical support, alleviating their burdens and ensuring their children’s well-being. Conversely, Ann and Nadah’s struggles highlight the void left when such support is absent. 

Grandparents serve as a source of stability, comfort, and unity. Even when they disapprove of the divorce, their involvement can make a significant difference in the lives of both parents and children. Their contributions go beyond mere assistance—they reinforce family bonds and provide a crucial safety net during times of upheaval. 

Consistent with these concerns, local charity Care Corner runs Co-Parenting workshops and has launched resources like The Grandparents’ Guide – Going Separate Ways. These aim to equip grandparents with the tools needed to balance expectations, manage emotions, and navigate the pressures of caregiving when their adult children go through divorce. 

When parents separate, children often experience a sense of loss, confusion, and insecurity. In these moments, grandparents provide consistency and reassurance, helping grandchildren feel safe and supported. 

Care Corner’s workshops also stress the importance of self-care, reminding grandparents that they cannot effectively support others without first looking after themselves.  

Appreciating the Role of Grandparents in Divorced Families 

The role of grandparents in divorced families is often underappreciated yet undeniably crucial. Through their presence, they offer stability, comfort, and love, shaping the lives of their grandchildren in profound ways. Whether providing direct childcare, financial aid, or simply being a reassuring presence, their support makes a significant difference. As more resources become available to help grandparents in these situations, it is essential to recognise and uplift their contributions, ensuring they receive the guidance they need to continue supporting their families effectively.