Have you ever felt guilty for being frustrated with someone you deeply love? In families, love and responsibility do not always make relationships simple. Caring for an ageing parent, managing expectations, or revisiting difficult childhood experiences can create conflicting emotions that are difficult to understand. 

In a 2003 study, Ambivalence in the Relationship of Adult Children to Aging Parents and In-Laws, Andrea E. Willson, Kim M. Shuey and Glen H. Elder, Jr. examine this complexity in relationships between adult children and their ageing parents or in-laws. The study argues that mixed feelings are a normal part of close relationships, particularly when family members depend on one another. It also explores how gender, family roles, health, caregiving, and early-life experiences can shape these feelings. 

The authors examined relationships between adult children and their parents or parents-in-law to identify patterns in mixed and conflicting feelings. The study considered factors including gender, kinship, health, caregiving responsibilities, geographical proximity, and early-life experiences. By comparing these circumstances, the researchers identified groups more likely to experience higher levels of conflicting feelings in their relationships. 

What is ambivalence? 

Ambivalence refers to experiencing positive and negative feelings towards the same person or relationship at the same time. It is not simply conflict or dislike; a person may feel close to a parent while also feeling stressed by the relationship or feel fulfilled by providing care while simultaneously feeling restricted by it. 

This can be particularly common in intergenerational relationships because family members often rely on one another. As parents age and require more assistance, adult children may experience greater responsibility while also trying to maintain their own independence. In this sense, ambivalence can take different forms: a relationship can be both close and stressful, demanding and rewarding, or loving and frustrating. 

Sources of ambivalence 

The study found that ambivalence is not experienced equally across all relationships. More than one-quarter of the relationships examined showed significant levels of ambivalence, with higher levels reported in female-female relationships, relationships involving in-laws, and relationships where either person had poorer health. Daughters who provided care were also more likely to experience higher levels of ambivalence. 

Early family experiences are another important source. Parental hostility, rejection, or other negative experiences during childhood were strong predictors of ambivalent feelings in adulthood. This suggests that difficulties in an adult parent-child relationship may sometimes reflect patterns that began much earlier in life. 

Caregiving can further intensify these feelings. When an adult child begins providing transport, financial aid, or personal care, the relationship changes. The adult child may want to help while also feeling that their own independence is being reduced. 

Daughters and daughters-in-law may face additional pressure because women are socially expected to take responsibility for maintaining family relationships and providing care. 

Daughters-in-law may experience this particularly strongly because they can be expected to provide care while having less authority in family decisions. 

Living close to parents can also increase these pressures. While proximity makes caregiving easier, a lack of clear boundaries can create added stress. Poor health can similarly change the balance between dependence and independence, creating feelings of love, concern, frustration, and helplessness at the same time. 

Why does high ambivalence matter? 

Although some level of ambivalence is normal, consistently prominent levels can affect individual well-being and family relationships. Adult children may experience dissatisfaction, stress, or guilt as they struggle to balance caring for their parents with their own needs. 

High ambivalence can also strain the wider family. When caregiving responsibilities become overwhelming, conflicts may arise between the needs of ageing parents and the needs of spouses, children, or the caregiver themselves. Over time, negative feelings may also affect the quality of care if the caregiver begins to feel trapped or resentful. 

There are wider social consequences as well. If society assumes that family members should always provide care out of love and duty, it can overlook the pressures involved. This can leave caregivers, particularly women, with fewer choices when family responsibilities become overwhelming. 

Supporting individuals and families 

Recognising ambivalence early can help families manage these difficulties before relationships deteriorate. When caregiving begins, family members should discuss how responsibilities can be shared and how both the caregiver and recipient can maintain some independence. Caregiving should be understood as a change in the relationship that requires adjustment, rather than simply an obligation that one person must carry. 

It is also important to recognise the influence of childhood experiences. Adults who notice that their current difficulties resemble painful patterns from the past may benefit from professional support. Understanding where these feelings come from can make it easier to address them rather than simply trying to suppress them. 

Families should also avoid placing caregiving responsibilities primarily on women. Other family members can actively share both practical care and the less visible work of maintaining family relationships. Clear boundaries and open communication can help protect relationships while still allowing family members to support one another. 

At the community level, we should recognise that family relationships are not always simply loving or conflictual. Feeling both affection and frustration does not mean that someone is ungrateful or failing in their family responsibilities. Providing caregivers with practical and social support can reduce the pressure placed on families and give them more options when caregiving becomes difficult. 

Ambivalence is a complex but normal part of many family relationships. Recognising mixed feelings does not diminish love or family commitment. Instead, acknowledging them can help individuals set healthier boundaries, seek support, and navigate the changing balance between dependence and independence. Understanding these contradictions is therefore a crucial step towards strengthening intergenerational relationships.