What happens when grandparents who once raised their own children are asked to raise their grandchildren according to a new generation’s rules? For many families, grandparents’ childcare can be a source of love, purpose, and connection. At the same time, differences in parenting values, expectations, and authority can create tension between generations. 

In ““My children,” “my grandchildren”: Navigating intergenerational ambivalence in grandparent childcare arrangements in Hong Kong” (2022), Sally Ka-wing Lo and Jo Lindsay examine how grandparent childcare can create both closeness and conflict within families. The study explores how traditional expectations of filial piety interact with modern parenting practices, creating complicated relationships between grandparents and their adult children. 

The authors examine intergenerational childcare arrangements in Hong Kong through the concept of ambivalence, which refers to the coexistence of positive and negative feelings within a relationship. The researchers consider how social expectations, family roles, parenting practices, and differences between generations shape these experiences. The study is organised around six areas of grandparent childcare, which reveal various sources of tension between grandparents and parents. 
 

1. Differences in childcare: Self-care, food, and discipline 

One source of tension is disagreement over how grandchildren should be raised. Grandparents may believe that helping children with everyday tasks is caring and beneficial, while parents may prefer their children to become independent by doing things for themselves. 

Food can create similar disagreements. Grandparents who grew up during periods of scarcity may consider meat an important and valuable source of nutrition, while parents may emphasise vegetables and modern nutritional advice. Discipline can also differ. Some grandparents may see corporal punishment as an acceptable way to teach children obedience, while parents may prefer explaining inappropriate behaviour and encouraging children to understand why it is wrong. 

These differences can make parents feel that they have lost control over decisions about their own children, while grandparents may feel that their experience is being ignored. 

2. Challenging the authority of elders 

Parents today have greater access to parenting books, research, and online advice. This can give them confidence in making decisions about their children, but it can also make them anxious about whether they are parenting “correctly.” 

Grandparents, in contrast, may feel confident because they have already raised children themselves. They may therefore see little reason to follow newer parenting approaches. This can create tension in cultures where younger family members are traditionally expected to respect and obey their elders. Adult children may want to correct their parents but hesitate because doing so can feel disrespectful. 

3. From intensive parenting to intensive grand-parenting 

Modern parenting often places significant responsibility on mothers to proactively manage their children’s development, health, education, and emotional needs. For working mothers, some of this responsibility may be transferred to grandparents. 

This can create an uncomfortable overlap: parents remain responsible for making decisions, while grandparents become responsible for carrying them out. Grandparents may therefore feel accountable for raising the child while having limited authority to decide how care should be provided. At the same time, adult children may feel guilty about asking retired parents to take on substantial childcare responsibilities, particularly when filial piety traditionally expects adult children to support and care for their own parents. 
 

4. When parenting and grand-parenting overlap 

Grandparents can provide valuable support and advice, but difficulties arise when both generations feel that decisions about the child belong to them. Grandparents may see themselves as experienced caregivers who should be involved, while parents may want to maintain control over their children’s upbringing. 

The challenge is therefore not simply whether grandparents should help but knowing when to step in and when to allow parents to make their own decisions. Clear boundaries can help both generations provide support without undermining each other’s roles. 

5. “Inner” and “outer” grandchildren 

The study also examines differences between grandchildren born to one’s own son or daughter and those born to a child’s spouse. Grandparents may feel a stronger sense of connection and responsibility towards their own child’s children. These “inner grandchildren” can therefore become a greater focus of involvement and intervention. 

This can be particularly significant for paternal grandparents, who may feel a keen sense of responsibility towards their son’s children. Greater emotional attachment can encourage grandparents to become more involved in childcare decisions, which may increase tension with the parents. 
 

6. Protecting the parents’ home and authority 

In-law relationships can create another layer of difficulty, particularly between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Women often play a significant role in maintaining family relationships, but becoming a mother can also give a woman a stronger sense of responsibility and authority over her own household. 

The study highlights the importance of recognising that the parents are ultimately in charge of their home and their children. When grandparents acknowledge this boundary, childcare arrangements can function more smoothly. Respecting the parents’ authority does not mean grandparents are excluded; rather, their support can be offered without taking over decision-making. 

Conclusion 

Are some grandchildren more “ours” than others? Of course not, even though some may feel this way. All grandparents certainly love their children and grandchildren, and we want all to be treated equally and fairly. 

Grandparent childcare can strengthen family relationships while simultaneously creating conflict. Grandparents bring experience, affection, and a desire to help, while parents bring their own expectations and approaches to raising their children. Differences in parenting styles, generational values, authority, and filial expectations can therefore create ambivalence. 

The study highlights the importance of clear boundaries and communication. Grandparents and parents can support one another more effectively when they recognise their distinct roles while remembering what they have in common: their shared love and concern for the child.